Breaking up is hard to do...

I’ve never been the type of person to quit, to walk away from something or someone. I’ve stayed in jobs that were bad, unable or unwilling to find an exit. But, leave I will.

I’ve been part of a local choral group for a season and a half and I’m going to quit after the performance we are working on now and will do in the next two days.

You see, it all started last year at the last concert. There was a piece of music, a pseudo African American Spiritual that had a lead singer and the chorus responding in the first part and then doing harmony to the lead in the second half. When it was introduced, our director announced that he wanted to hear auditions for the solo part, so we should prepare for that. And so I did. I found an audio copy of it and worked on it daily, at times a few hours. 8 weeks of work and we were down to the week before the performance and we did a partial run through of the piece. During that, one person started the lead part, but for a few reasons the rehearsal was stopped and the part was never worked over again while we worked the choral parts. That was the end of it. There were no auditions held.

I held out hope and thought that at the next week, during the “dress rehearsal” (we were not in performance clothing, just working on hearing ourselves in the room and where we would stand) there would be auditions. I lightly sang part of it during the mid rehearsal break. Another choir member heard me and said ‘You should do the performance’. A bit later we were standing in formation and there was only a short time left for the rehearsal and we had this one last piece to work through. It was then that the director had us reposition ourselves and he stood with us, he raised his hand, giving a few beats and the our accompanist begin playing. The director started singing the solo. No announcement, no acknowledgement of the work anyone had done or even that the audition would not be held.

I was, well, dumbfounded. I had never seen anything like that before. I’ve been with a few performance groups and I had never seen a director just take over a solo before. I’ve spoken with others that I know who also sing and this was new for them as well.

I decided to ask the president of the chorus about it to see if he knew what had happened and he said it was just one of those things and not the usual way things were done. I spent the time between seasons pondering if I wanted to continue to be part of this group. In truth, I was bitter about what had happened. I admit I wanted redemption, some how.

The new season started and I returned, hopeful for a good season. The music for the first concert was handed out, and there was one piece, written by Mozart, and it had a quartet part. I was excited. I begin to learn how to sing the part and then found out that a quartet would be hired in. We would sing back up to them. Needless to say, it was a let down.

We did the performance. There were other pieces, and then this one. The performance was less than stellar. The room was lousy and we could not hear one another – or the soloists. I have no idea how good or bad they were.
So, we get into the next performance, the one about to happen. And, per usual, there is a larger piece in the second half. It had a duet and a few solo parts. When it was introduced, the director announced that he wanted to hear auditions for the solo parts, so we should work on that. I found a CD of the music and rolled it on to my Ipod and spent a lot of time working on it. It was in a language that I didn’t know well, so I enlisted the help of my best friends mother to work on the language with me. We met and went over every syllable, I had a tape recording rolling while we did this, and made listening to that recording part of my daily practice. I spent 3 to 4 hours per day, every day for 8 weeks, working on it. I had every note, every word memorized to the point where I was singing all of it without the sheet music. I was ready to do the audition without it. I was finding it distracting to have in front of me. In performance I would have a blank page in the folder.

I could picture myself standing there in front of the orchestra in my tuxedo, singing in pitch and I could hear the orchestra play in my head. I was going to give it my all.

Well, as you might guess, following on rehearsal, I was told directly, that despite the considerable effort I had put into it, that there would be no audition for my part. The person had been hired. The director said he was aware of how much I had worked on it and that he was sorry for the situation, their would be opportunities during the rest of the year for me to do a solo. I didn’t buy it for one moment.

I was prepared to walk right then. I pulled my sheet music from my folder and set it on the table. The director recanted, saying he would hear me. On that day I will down with a cold, I could hardly speak, leave along sing so I had to miss rehearsal. The director said he would call me when he could set up a time to hear me. He had to wait for the accompanist to be available. Keep in mind this director is a musician, playing keyboards and other instruments. He directs not only two choirs, but also an orchestra.

The call, well, it never came. I asked the president of the choir why we were hiring people in, rather than use people who were part of the community choir, he said that most of the time people were not truly prepared to audition.

I was being lumped in with others. I was ready, fully prepared in detail. Yet, I was denied, again the opportunity to audition. I was set aside, my talents not honored, nor my time and effort respected.

I pondered what I would do. Do I stay, or go? Staying would mean that the next time I was told that there would be an audition for something I would have to try to believe it. Already I had been lied to twice. Already I had been told one thing, while there was a plan in place for something else. Could I trust and believe him the next time?

How did I like the idea of being a dues paying member of a community choir that for a majority of it’s performances, worked as a back up group to paid soloists. Sure, we had pieces that we performed as a group, but still other people were hired in.

It came down to my not being happy about the situation. I didn’t like singing backup to hired people. I enjoyed it when others in the group did solo’s.

I enjoyed the rehearsal time. I was learning so much with each show last season, but this year there was no spark.

This was supposed to be fun. I was doing this for the fun of it, and well, I was not having fun.

So, I’m leaving. I’ve already moved on and had a rehearsal with another group. They were very warm and welcoming. The director said she was excited to have me join. True, it’s not the same fine arts music that I had been performing. This is not a tuxedo group. But, great music and the people are very much in line with my political views. I know some of them from that work.

Here’s how it will play out. Either I will let the director know following the performance, or if asked the audition is mentioned by the director during the dress rehearsal.

Do I suspect that their might be an “I’m sorry to hear that.” Said? Yes, actually I do suspect that. Kinda of like what an employer says when you quit. My planned response; “I’m sure you are.” Its polite, yet tells what I need to say.

There was a time when I let people discarded me. When I was OK with not mattering. If someone was impolite to me, I figured it was something about me. That time has passed.

I won’t be treated like this by anyone. I won’t be lied to. The old saying.. and I say this better than George W. Bush.. ‘Fool me once...’ Well, I was fooled once, then a second time.. and as The Who Sang; I won’t be fooled again.

I'm sad that this is how things have to be, but well, I have to accept the situation and do as I need to. I'm not usually the one who leaves, but this time, I will be.

Do you ever feel like its time to stand up for yourself, if you don’t now? Try it once. You might find you can still amaze yourself.